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In thinking about:
a ) going away this summer to visit Sarah+ go to a wedding
b) writing 'my novel', any of a selection of story ideas that obsess me until I start to get them down on paper
c) the current insanity that is my state of mind... much of it about Lucian; but some left over about work, my DM and worrying about barren eggs.
I had a sudden thought. What about if you could just look at someone online and hit a button and see their real thoughts. On one hand, that would make things so much easier for me, in knowing what to do, and feel and everything. And in knowing how to see behind the little lies people say to avoid the truth.
On the other hand, how horrific to think someone could spy on me, too...
Finn, it turns out, has gotten a summer internship. He and Lilly announced it to us a few weeks ago, in a rather gameshow-host type of way.
Finn: So I guess I can tell you... Lilly and the Witch (our board president; an evil-er, witcher woman has never since existed) have agreed... I've been accepted to a summer internship.
Me: That's great. Congratulations.
Zach: <silence>
Lilly: How many people applied, Finn?
Finn: About a thousand.
Lilly: And how many people were accepted, Finn?
Finn: Only two... <ducks his head for a shy smile>
Me: That's great. Congratulations!
Zach: <silence>
Finn: It's going to be wonderful, it's working with an opera company, and I know one of the singers.
Lilly: It sounds wonderful!
Me: That's great, congratulations.
Zach: How long are you going for?
Finn: oh... <rather airily> I'll be here for the concert June 2, but I'm leaving after that. I'll be back August 30th.
<Boom.>
And that's it... on one hand, no Finn for 3 months. (Excuse me while I dance with glee.) On the other hand... huh. That's leaving us with all the end of year wrap up, auditions, getting ready and scheduling for the new year, brochures, etc. Brilliant Zach for figuring that out, while I just smiled inanely and congratulated him. (Oh, and the singer he knows... his boyfriend.)
My little ones in Brooklyn are having some insanity moments. Some of them are doing well, and some are just... stagnating. I'm not sure what to do with them. My own harp lessons aren't going anywhere. I'm not getting better, either. I'm not even sure if I'm treading water.
And things with my DM... we are trying, I think. But I've given it a year, and I've told him that. If things don't get better by this time next year... I don't think we're doing anyone any good. I'd like to hope things will be better. And yesterday, we had a nice evening, watching Yes Man (which apparently was HORRIBLE. It was funny to see him so upset by what they did to a movie from a good book, rather than the other way around. At least he understand why sometimes I'm so mad about movie adaptations.). I don't know though. I get it, relationships take work. But I don't know if it's supposed to be THAT much work.
Merry Christmas or happy hanukah or ___ (insert holiday of choice) to all!
Out in England, there was a certain young Welsh chef at the pub where I worked who once sent me a memorable txt: 'im so confussed as to were my head'.
Every so often, I think of him (not quite fondly, as he was a rotten individual who was at that point working me through the ringer with his on again-off again attitude)... not so much for who he was, but for that txt. Even now, years later, it still makes me giggle, then nod with understanding. Sometimes life is confusing, sometimes personal relationships and work and responsibilities boggle the mind. So, his text makes sense. 'im so confussed' indeed.
It's been awhile since I've written here. Since then, Halloween has passed; Thanksgiving has passed (in fact, we're well on our way to Christmas); first recitals for my kids have passed, and first concerts for my little ones in the orchestra will be on Monday and Tuesday. I've been run pretty ragged the last few weeks. Actually, Thanksgiving break was the most welcome holiday I've ever had. I slept and did some miniature stuff and watched two discs of Spooks/MI 5, but honestly for much of it, my mind just wouldn't come together. It's rare that I've ever so out of it, I just sit and stare into space, but the past few weeks I've been doing a lot of that. Never mind knitting or sewing or even reading; I can't focus on anything. I just keep rereading the same books over and over again. (On a side note, it bugs me immensely that Melanie Rawn will not write the last Exiles book, but has written another stand-alone book. I *almost* don't even need the entire thing. I just want to know Collan's heritage. And I realise that I never did like Taigan, but I think it's less her character and more her name. Does anyone else do that? Take a dislike to characters in a book just because you think their names are stupid? Oh well.)
Lucian is weirding me out; he's got times where he's busy and mildly abrupt (then mildly apologetic he's been mildly abrupt), and he's got times where he's bubbling over with friendship and glee and... good stuff. Over thanksgiving was one of the bubbly times, and it wreaks havoc on my nerves and heart-strings both. I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish... but I know it's no good, I can't have what I wish. He made a comment during dinner about not being able to get what he wants, at which point I asked (totally unthinking) what he wants. (I swear, it wasn't until after the words fell out my mouth I realised how dirty they were. I was looking at the menu and buttering a piece of bread and not thinking, honest!) He gave a very wry smile and said something about how it might be weird or uncomfortable for me to hear this, but he wants to meet the person he can spend his life with. I assumed he meant weird because of our history, but Angus informed me that he likely meant different... I know the issues within my head, but it's been a few years, and I assumed that he had no more feelings for me than for a bar of soap or a chair leg or something..
Ah, well. to quote that Welsh chef: 'im so confussed'.
I'm holding on with teeth and toenails to calm and peace within the office; Lilly and Finn bug me on nearly a daily basis. (Zach has made me promise I will try harder... he wouldn't be able to deal with things if I were fired.) And Yitz out in Brooklyn... after we had a big 2 hour long screaming fight at midnight (actually, right before Halloween), all the issues that needed to be aired were out. And while I think we needed that for it to come out, I am ashamed that it actually came to that. The funny bits afterward were that:
1) I have spoken to Madame M., who had never heard of me before in her life. (So much for Yitz talking to her about me, and her being HORRIFIED I was teaching her method without being trained.) However, after hearing that I belong to her website, and had obviously looked at her materials and read her book enough to point out differences and say games that I liked and ask about the more complicated things... she decided it'll be fine if I teach...
2) Yitz is frantically back-pedaling about things that were said everytime I see him now. (Problem is, it's not so easy to do that with your foot so securely in your mouth.)
I've started getting quite horrified about my weight in general, and especially after making a duct tape dress form. (I'm also quite horrified about my posture. No wonder I have no clothes that fit. I've become built like a CareBear.) I just wonder about the attitude if I started trying some of the things in this article around our tiny little office..
So in acqiessing with my DM’s wishes, I have not been staying up late to write and have done no more on my story. It doesn’t matter I guess. I feel stupid and tired and braindead anyhow. (But he is much happier, so by extension things are better.)
But I’ve got a new story idea (and thank you Zach and Lucian...). It’s based on a woman called… perhaps Lilly? Who takes a job and slowly gets possessed by the ghosts of the previous people who worked there and she is finally infected with ridiculous frugality and insanity (teamed with her own irritating personality) until her coworkers bludgeon her. (Lilly might also be schizophrenic, or perhaps it's just how the ghosts possess her at any given time.)
Or something like that.
(I guess by reading that, you can guess how work is for me…)
we stayed at the bar to watch it twice last night, once the first time it aired at 9, then at midnight.
I'm super, super proud of him, and he can't believe that people think differently of him just because he was on TV. But he was good, and looked good on camera. I am SO PROUD of him.
(But oh God, I'm tired today...)
So on the positive side, I went with my DM and a friend of his (+his wife) to dinner and to see two shows (Young Frankenstein and Tale of Two Cities, both quite good.) the last two weeks. It's like we're a couple, who do couple-y things. (He made some comment that it's only now, going out with HIS friends that we go out with another couple. I sniped back that we have been out with another couple (Sarah and Constantine, around when we met and it was a disaster as he refused to talk -in english or otherwise, as I recall), and I've been saying for ages I want to go out with JRae and her other half and we never end up making plans. He asked how long it has to be before I stop talking about things in the past. So I stopped. And then we got into a loud arguement about how I'm so lazy as to walk down a subway platform to get to an escalator, to avoid walking upstairs.)
Obviously, on the negative side, we're fighting a lot. I'm angry he doesn't talk to me. He's angry I'm constantly late (honestly though, it's not like that is a new turn of events) and that I want to read, or sit up writing when he goes to bed (I have done no more on my story. I'll probably never finish it at this rate.).
I'm feeling a bit down today, honestly. I've told him I will not be late when meeting him, and I will lie down when he goes to bed, and the trade is that he's supposed to T-A-L-K. But I'm feeling a bit depressed, all full of bile and bad feeling toward myself. I'm probably just tired. He's sick and woke me at 5am (it was probably about 85 degrees in the apartment), coughing. So I eventually grabbed sweater, keys and clogs and shuffled out to the pharmacy to buy him cough syrup and drops because
1) he needed to get more rest because he had to be at work for 9am
2) i am trying to be good to him and take care of him
3) combined with the apartment temperature he was driving me insane with the coughing (which is an awful thing to say and makes me evil because i should be a better person than that.)
He fell asleep shortly after I got back and dosed him with a cough drop, and I had a few more hours of really uneasy sleep before I struggled awake to go to work. I just feel weird though, very..heavy, and sad.
I've got some new obsessions: clocked stockings which I am fighting this weird urge about. Every year I've wanted heavyweight winter stockings. This year, I think I'm going to use cotton jersey to make legging-y things with feet, following the clocked stocking ideal, and put some sort of flowery clock things on them. I might need to make garters to keep them up, though.
Next? Life on Mars. I still haven't seen the UK version (which I still want, desperately) but the US version isn't so bad. But there is no one to compare to Philip Glenister as Gene.. The US guy keeps cracking the off colour remarks, but being american it sounds crass. Plus, he's no where as cute as my Gene.. Sarah's Gene. (Maybe mine for alternating weekends and holidays.) The preview for the next episode has something where he seems to be in underwear, and I just wanted to cover my eyes.
So... in case you had any doubts.. I've changed the imaging for this blog.
No, not that I'm trying to insinuate that any of you are lacking in eyesight and wouldn't notice the difference between the blue notebook and this pink... thing... but still, thought i should mention before all of you think you've wandered somewhere different instead.
though, i have to admit, as i was scrolling through page after page of stuff and eventually clicked on this one as a desperate just-for-now... i am highly amused by the top: The Mind of Spinning Jezebel... and next to it a trash can.
huh.
don't laugh so hard, please.
On the exciting news? I've begun knitting again. I'm making a skirt out of the obnoxiously purple wool I bought earlier in the year for legwarmers. It's only a waistband right now, but I've faith it'll grow if I don't put it aside and 'forget it' in a drawer for a few years. And I'll finish my sister's black sweater, after all it's getting chilly again. It's probably only a day of work left on that anyway.
Yitz the Ditz (ha! thanks Angus) is acting scared. He came to talk to me yesterday (stuttering, but calmly, as if pacifying a mad dog) being sure to stay by the door and not turn his back on me (for fear I'd attack, I presume.). I got a brand new kit of theory materials, and he informed me that with the precious money given to him for staff training... he's going to use it for me.. so I can get trained by the woman who makes the materials we use.
Considering that's a $500-$600 class, I'm thrilled I won't have to spend my own money. But naturally.. there's a catch.
I'll have to go to her, in DC.
'Oh,' Yitz said airily, 'you can go for a weekend, or one day a month or something.' He kept one wary eye on me, and when I stood up he actually stepped backward, flailing for the doorknob before he caught himself. When I didn't say anything he went on: 'but you've got to have that done before February, because in the new semester there'll be three new theory classes that maybe you could teach... when I feel comfortable that you know how to teach, and when Madame M. (the creator of this method) feels that you know her materials..' And his voice trailed off, possibly alerted to danger by the look on my face (step back Jim, she's still wild and may leap for the jugular!). He rather hastily added at that point that Ellie, Dina and Lia will have class separately, and with me. In fact, he almost seemed to have swallowed his tongue in having to admit that all my students do not hate me and that the violin class was a success last year.
I've still got quite a few things to say to Yitz. I suspect that in his own awkward way, he's issued an apology by saying that they will pay for my training. And I'm grateful (cause darned if I wanted to spend my own money on learning to play stupid card games. Bloody hell! I could never remember to play Go Fish and War with regular cards, and she wants me to do that nonsense with music terms? OK, she's got some good ideas, and despite my skepticism the kids really learn. But she's also got some ridiculous ones, and that's a lot of money to have to absorb her idiotic ideas, esp. since it will be in a one on one setting.). But we've still got some talking to do, and I am quite annoyed still.
On a funny note: Lia's mom said that both Ellie and her mom felt that I was the highlight of Ellie's week, as Yitz is Ellie's private teacher and group teacher (so she has him for 2 whole classes..). Yesterday, Ellie announced to the other children (entirely unprompted) that she LOVES theory, and she wishes she could have MORE theory homework! (My DM flinched and said "she knows not to say that often, right?") Ellie then spent her class sitting next to me (and not next to Lia and Dina, which surprised me), then inching closer... closer...closer... by the end of class, she was leaning on my leg and resting her round little face against my arm. And then she flung her arms around me to give me a hug before leaving. (what a sweetheart.)
Lastly... (drum roll please)
Question: can anyone guess what 11 scribbled steno pad sheets equals?
Answer: a first draft of a story. (beginning, middle scenes and an end.)
I'm back, baby...
and i almost forgot!
happy birthday to the divine Sarah..
(although those of us in the states don't have Ashes to Ashes, her fanfic is on her blog and a great read, though comes with a health warning:
Reading this might make you obsessed with unavailable-in-the-USA Brit TV, and with the yummy Philip Glenister...)
(before you look at me and give me the skeptical eyebrow raise, please remember that some older men brits are H.O.T... i offer Anthony Stewart Head as an example. Mmmm. Giles is mine, but yes, Gene is Sarah's (esp. as this is her birthday... but, hey Sarah? can we share?) )
oh and yes, there is an american version of Life on Mars just come out... LA instead of Manchester, but cast with a handful of irish actors. personally, i'd prefer the british show. why take a perfectly good show and american-ize it? ah well.
happy birthday Sarah!!!
stuff has been going on -as it will- some good, and some very very bad.
the important highlights:
- my lovely DM took me to equus for my birthday. naked daniel radcliffe. (somehow i can never see harry potter in the same way.) quite a nice chest, by the way... <smirk>
ah yes, and for those who forgot my birthday... i accept much groveling. ;)
-still have not started my miniatures. think i will take a break from dolls; my latest thought was having them be sold only by commission, but with how tired i am now -and it's just the first month of the year, just fancy- it'll never happen. so i'll sell food, and perhaps make some bodies to compile so later i can just jump in and the first sales will go out quickly. or make clothes so my little people will have stuff to wear later on. (maybe i should make some dressforms or something.) have made cantaloupes and salad ingredients, fried chicken and pizza, bananas, some funny looking broccoli and over-large raspberries that look like oddly square grapes; will have to take some pics to post.
i'm still bouncing around names... puppentheatre (doll theater), 'lieblingshaus' (darling's house), 'don't sweat the small stuff'... i quite like the last, but honestly. i'm not sure i'd like to have a company with sweat in it's name. my dm wants to play photographer; as he said: HE knows food photography and can display my creations to their highest effect. despite wanting to giggle as he works out how to display a dish of ice cream as big as his fingertip, and fixing the light so it hits at the right angle... he's quite a good photographer in his own right and good with food, so i trust him. i've got to make a little white box or something though.
-zach inadvertantly opened this blog at work (yes, i'm a moron, looking at a personal website at work and not having the sense to delete it afterward. durr.) and keeps teasing me about calling him a charming alcoholic (i mentioned that to lucian and he gave me a sideways look and asked, oh-so-casually.. 'so... what do you call me?' (huh. there are many things i still think re: lucian.... ah, but i digress. lovely stands as a good description for the delightful lucian: body, smile, spirit and dark sense of humour.).
i'm lucky it was zach who saw this: lilly and finn would not be so amused (lacking senses of humour the way they do). and, i have not been so nice about them, esp. finn.
though i've some choice things to say about lilly as well. lately, she refuses for the ac to be turned on, feeling that opening the windows is even better, so although it is so loud we can't hear each other from one side of the office to the other, and the wind whips everything off my desk, at least it is cheaper... she will actually sneak out of her office when she hears the ac click on to surreptitiously come outside and turn it back down. (actually she was quite accusatory to me of turning it on the one day i hadn't -it hadn't even clicked on, she just came out to make sure the office was at its normal 85 degrees. it sparked quite an argument.)
it'd probably be much better if i had a lobotomy to remove that little snotty piece of my brain that answers back. lilly has begun to look quite peeved with me on a regular basis, and i've honestly begun to fear for my job. (perhaps the only bad thing is that if i left, they'd no longer know who any of the kids in the little groups are anymore. huh.
-yitz, my boss in brooklyn is making my life hell. he's cut my schedule, saying:
(lie #1): the only new students were 3 yrs old, and since i'm not good with little kids he didn't give them to me. (actually he hired three new teachers, and cut down my schedule. oh, and i know that at least two of the new violin students are 6...)
(lie #2): i can't teach theory anymore, because there were a lot of people who didn't want to come back because i was still teaching. there were just too many complaints about me. esp. with the disaster of the piano students earlier in the year, he was inclined to be believe them and not talk to me about it, but just take the classes out of my schedule.
(that one took longer to understand. after the blind waves of depression battered me senseless ['am i a bad teacher? there are things i could do differently, and a few classes that were harder than others to teach. but i swear, there were people who were pleased, who came up to me to say they were happy.'], moments of sanity intruded.
1) i am not a bad teacher, perhaps not as experienced as some, but i've certainly kids who are happy enough, and families coming back just for me.
2) i suspect that yitz is angry, that little round faced Ellie wants me to be her teacher, instead of him. (ditto for the dark eyed beauty of the lot, Dina. [i hope she stays as sweet as she is, or her family is in for a world of trouble when she becomes a teenager, and learns the devastating effect of those big dark eyes and long lashes on the boys]. dina had been my student, but her father was not wild about me [and therefore switched to yitz as a teacher].. until i began to teach theory and dina thought i was great. ha.) i'd love to teach ellie, her mother would love me to teach ellie (and ellie would love me to teach ellie) but yitz was very very angry about me even covering her lessons for the summer [hence i'm not sure ellie had classes all summer].
3) yitz is also pissed that i encouraged little Fauntleroy to join the orchestra. [i'm still a little uneasy, and i know he is testing lucian's patience]. but fauntleroy is reading, really reading music and progressing by leaps and bounds, and i thought he needed something to get his creativity flowing, and another musical outlet. which he is loving. [even if he can't sit still.]
4) it didn't make sense. yitz was arguing that i am a bad teacher and there were so many complaints, so he took all the theory classes from me... but then he was giving me a new class of 5 year olds. huh? i mean... huh? does that make sense in some universe i'm not in?
the final bit that gave me some confidence back is that ellie and dina both got very upset they weren't in my class, and yitz granted ellie permission to come back. (but not dina. so her father just brought her to class anyway and begged me to keep her there. which i did, obviously, but i'm expecting heads to roll over this. [unfortunately, i bet the first will be mine.]) and then ellie's friend Lia [my private student, who was in another class last year] showed up as well, with lia's mom being kind and apologetic, but quite adamant that she wanted my class last year and had requested it for this year, and that my students had loved my classes and she wanted her daughter to learn to read music, so she was sorry, but lia was there to stay. [despite the fact that yitz got angry... 'it's not her decision what teacher she gets, and he makes the rules and she has to follow them!' lia's mom is sweet and down to earth, a very pleasant lady... but not the type to take crap or follow rules that make no sense. i think yitz has lost.] )
all-round, brooklyn is a bust these days. the students i've got are great, don't get me wrong, and my newly expanded theory class is full of some great kids (ellie, dina and lia, plus 6 little girls from a public school! i've had to arrange for a bigger room, no sense asking yitz to do it..). but i'm going to have to work out what i'm doing, and if -at brooklyn at least- i will leave the suzuki program and just teach in the classical division. Fauntleroy, Shoshana, Antonia and Ginny will follow me, i think, but i don't know about the rest.
well. this has worked into a long, long post. i'm off to finish writing up the homework for theory tomorrow (and decide if i want to try to shuffle lessons to meet Lucian and others at the medieval faire. but i've had a sudden realization that i probably shouldn't.. i'm a moron not to realise it before, but i bet lucian is after the new girl... while i wish him luck, i can't watch that, and i don't want to be there and be in their way.. so i bet i shouldn't bother. (i'd love to go though. with Sarah and Giselle and JRae and Angus, we'd probably be fruitcakes together in costume, but alone i'll probably try to look normal-ish.)
love to you all. cheers for getting through such a long post.
High up in a office
on the upper east side
Work 4 different people
all caught up in their strange lives…
It needs work. I’ve got a very Madeline feeling about it. I’m envisioning verses about Finn the obnoxious singer; tactless Lilly the boss, Zach the sweetheart alcoholic, and Eloise (me, naturally) as the brave star being driven insane by all of them, who then leaps up and saves the day from an evil lion/ music director/ angry parents/ crotchety board of trustees (or other things of that ilk)…
Was thinking of this yesterday, while stuffing envelopes (Finn needed things sent, but is too prissy to stuff his own damn envelopes so we were all helping… when I need stuff done he’s nowhere to be found, but when he needs help…
Sorry, I’m having mean thoughts.
OK, they’ve passed.)
Anyway, I was sitting in the office, helping to stuff envelopes and fighting the urge to scream: “I hate you! I hate you all!”
after my boss accused me of not updating the website correctly (I did, actually, do it right for a change.)
And Finn snapped at Zach for... nothing, actually. (not pc to say, but if Finn was a real girl, he’d be rather pms-y these days. Or pregnant.)
Ohh… I’m going to hell. (I've got to find a nice way to put that into verse...)
Until then...
That's all there is, there isn't any more.
Until then...
That's all there is, there isn't any more.
I had an interesting evening tonight; went to see the lovely Lucian playing in his first ever rock gig at a bar down in the village.
It was... loud. Not bad, and there were real moments of 'wow, not too bad' (mind you,there was one song that sounded a little like the charlie brown song, if he were having a bad acid trip) and another called sanity test that make me fear for my eardrums, but overall not bad. I drank more than I've drunken since... well, probably since the auditions in June when Lucian and I went out for drinks after. (During one of those evenings, someone -i don't know who- slipped a NYC condom under my arm. I'd had a lot to drink by then and found it hysterically funny... not only that someone would do that, but that someone could do that unnoticed. Sober, I'm a little worried that I was so out of it that I didn't notice someone putting something under my arm, but still amused that someone thought I'd need it... Well. We gave it to our waitress, by the way.)
Lucian's friend Pesce (it's italian: peh-shay) dropped me back home in a cab... I actually know more about Pesce than he must think I know about him (for instance, I know about his girlfriend and that Lucian is sure she's cheating on him; and that Pesce has paid all her schoolfees for the last two years, but Lucian thinks she's taking advantage of him.). I also know that Pesce is pesce (translation: fish) because of how much he used to drink... But this is only the second time we've spoken to each other... (actually the last time we'd spoken, I'd been drinking too. Huh.) He's very nice.. quiet, but nice. Quite like Lucian, actually.
So for the divine Sarah, here's hair... (Sorry, there were more pics, but they're not loading. There should be enough there to get you started though.)
take some of the doll hair and divide it into little strips
be
Hold one end (seriously! if you don't you'll end up with something that probably looks like fish bait floating in a pool that is impossible to pull back out) and dunk it into a basin of water then wrap it around something. I usually use metal knitting needles but I guess it depends on how fat you want the curls. It's a size 6 pictured here)
Once you have finished wrapping all the curls (make more than you think you'll need; they take up lots of space around the doll's face but not so much space on her head when you're sewing them on) then it is time for fixative.
When I was taught to do this, I was told to just put some hairspray into the water you are dipping the curls into, but since I'm not a hairspray type, I tend to wet and wrap the curls, then use a dollop of gel and then rub it onto the hair wrapped on the needle. (I tend to use a lot to make sure it will really set, but it doesn't have to be THAT much. Maybe a dime sized amount?)
Then you should leave it to dry. (if you're impatient like me, and if you've used metal needles -don't do this with wood or plastic needles!- then you can stick them in the oven for a few minutes to speed up the drying.
When dry, you can pull them off the needle and then pull them a little to spread out the curl.
And that's all there is to curls! To make waves, wet three strands, then braid them and use either hairspray in the water or gel afterward to set. (I've found that you can make fatter braids than curls.. on dolls this size fat curls look ridiculous.)
Hope this helps!
I'm off to drink some water and go to bed...
Things march on as normal.. not much is going on. Sammy (from the orchestras) has left! He wanted (in this order)
1) the music director's job
2) the intermediate group
3) a 45% raise!!!
In one of those moments of utter tactlessness that my boss is so good at, she looked at him and said: "but Sammy, if we were looking at your resume in comparision to the other people we're interviewing... you wouldn't even have gotten a callback." (of course, what kills me is that she is in earnest when she says stuff like that... and doesn't think she's being out of line.)
So Sammy is gone. We've got another guy to take his place already; an alum of the organization, and a nice guy, if a bit humourless. I think he'll be fine though. He's not as dreamy-cute as Sammy is though; we'll have a lot of very dissappointed preteens. (Funny, despite Sammy's flamboyant nature, those little girls never got that they were missing one vital piece of equiptment that Sammy would find attractive.)
So I took a break from little people to do some food… I think these are going up for sale by Friday. The pay cut from work is taking its toll.
(I don't know why the pics are so fuzzy! This bodes ill for when I have to post these for sale..)
1) the music director's job
2) the intermediate group
3) a 45% raise!!!
In one of those moments of utter tactlessness that my boss is so good at, she looked at him and said: "but Sammy, if we were looking at your resume in comparision to the other people we're interviewing... you wouldn't even have gotten a callback." (of course, what kills me is that she is in earnest when she says stuff like that... and doesn't think she's being out of line.)
So Sammy is gone. We've got another guy to take his place already; an alum of the organization, and a nice guy, if a bit humourless. I think he'll be fine though. He's not as dreamy-cute as Sammy is though; we'll have a lot of very dissappointed preteens. (Funny, despite Sammy's flamboyant nature, those little girls never got that they were missing one vital piece of equiptment that Sammy would find attractive.)
So I took a break from little people to do some food… I think these are going up for sale by Friday. The pay cut from work is taking its toll.
(I don't know why the pics are so fuzzy! This bodes ill for when I have to post these for sale..)
An appetizer of chicken noodle soup
My pastas (the second picture has a quarter so you can compare sizes.). There are 4 spaghetti with marinara; 2 shells with cheese, 1 mac and cheese, then two packaged spaghetti and 1 packaged elbow noodles.
(still have to put a little glaze on the mac + cheeses). The macaroni (elbow noodles) are the lowest of the three in the pic and I do agree with my DM that they look... well, a little... odd. Not horrible, though.
Dessert! There are two brownie sundaes (I need to put a little glaze on the cherries), some black and white cookies, a scoop of cookies and cream ice cream (in the first pic it's all by itself, and in the second it's sitting on the quarter), an oreo cake and (in the second pic) strawberries, both whole and cut in pieces.
The cake has given me some issues. There were 4 cookies ontop the cake, then when I took it out of the oven I realised this had happened:
One actually slid down the frosting in back.I'm just not doing well with frosting cakes. The last one looked pretty horrid too.
Tonight.. I tackle sandwiches and maybe some protein...
Ha ha ha… for the ‘copious amounts’ of people who read this… I’m baaaaack.
It’s been a rough couple weeks. It’s felt more like months, but I guess it’s only been since June. (though, honestly, the fact that it is now August still keeps throwing me for a loop.)
The first thing is that our music director at the orchestra has been elevated to the position of director emeritus. The rest of that statement (which if we –office staff, etc- dare say aloud is grounds for dismissal and financial settlement) is that his contract was not renewed. I think that after the staff meeting we’d had a few months ago when he screamed at my boss she gave the board an ultimatum… and they agreed he had to go. Immediately.
I’m a bit… unsettled, is perhaps the right word. He was a tyrant, and he had to go as he was threatening how many kids came to us, how teachers and parents viewed us, and he was making the staff miserable. However… I can’t help but feel that we have turned out a desperately unhappy man, desperately lonely man, and done it so last minute there is no grace in it. After 39 years, insane or no, I think he deserved better.
Yes, I realize how that sounds for anyone who has heard me complain about him. But I still don’t think how this was done was the best way. (Despite the fact that in his last few weeks and thereafter, he’s been trying to get me fired. Charming man.)
The second thing is that my boss has cut my hours. It’s down from 30 to 24, and the official reason is that I am too expensive as a part-time employee, and they will have a lot of expenses next year. However, everyone else got a raise (about $6 a week) and I get a salary cut. I’ve been pretty angry about that since May when my boss talked to me about it. I’m getting used to the idea now. I mean, I’m still mad about the pettiness of it, but it means I can smile rudely when asked to do things and say ‘I’m sorry, that is no longer my responsibility’ or just walk out and say ‘sorry, my time is up.’ Mind you, by doing that I will rapidly (in our little office of 4) get a rep for being a snotty, difficult witch, but.. oh well. I’ll be more enthused about stuff when the kids come back in September.
My latest thing is that I’ve started making miniatures. I got distracted first by mini food, then after a trip to Schwartz with the idea of making multi-racial, pretty dolls (not those nasty plastic things) like the Erna Meyer ones. I’ve always loved hers, but they’re all so fair… And there’s a real market for multi-racial dolls these days.
So I’m back to dollmaking. I’m surrounded by felt and needles, and have extended out to needlefelting (yes, it IS easy to do. It is NOT easy to do well. Case and point: my needle felted head
(she’s got set-in plastic eyes. And man, is she creepy. I had to take a break before I tried to fix her face.), and the Erna Meyer-esque dolls: wire armatures covered in foam, with a stocking skin. (The thing I’ve got against those are that the skins are fastened with glue, and the child in me demands that:
(she’s got set-in plastic eyes. And man, is she creepy. I had to take a break before I tried to fix her face.), and the Erna Meyer-esque dolls: wire armatures covered in foam, with a stocking skin. (The thing I’ve got against those are that the skins are fastened with glue, and the child in me demands that:1) the dolls be dressable (which the Meyer dolls are not)
2) they be cleanable (which, if held together with fabric glue –so therefore not able to cleaned with water- , I’m not sure what they could be cleaned with. Kerosene? Spit?)
I know that I am overthinking, because certainly the Meyer dolls, as well as any other porcelain miniatures are not meant to be played with as such, just gentle play and posing in their settings.
I’ve also been thinking that perhaps the Meyer way I’ve been experimenting with are fine, but I can also sell dolls made the way we used to, with felt and pipe cleaner armatures, as a sort of play doll (but I’ll have to work on hair. I’ve bought this gorgeous thread –Sarah had a doll long ago named Vanessa that had that sort of thread for hair- but I wanted stuff comb-able so not the viscose we ended up using.).
Considering how we used to screw them up and squash them into our pockets and socks and sleeves, they were pretty sturdy little things. Giselle had the idea of painting faces, so maybe I’ll experiment with that. I think what’s holding me back is that I was never a very good artist.
This is the little one I just made. 
Her face is embroidered and isn’t so bad really, despite that it’s too thin. The hair is lovely but such a bloody pain to put on… it’s the thread I just bought in a brilliant maple colour.
Her face is embroidered and isn’t so bad really, despite that it’s too thin. The hair is lovely but such a bloody pain to put on… it’s the thread I just bought in a brilliant maple colour.
From left to right: Elizabeth (the first one who looked human with human colouring and a chin, but is lacking shoulders), Stela (my one and only Erna Meyer) and Paolo (he started life as a girl but is much better as a boy, despite having really rosy cheeks. I want to make him a little frog.).
The woman looks Asian (the first one when I got the eyes right) but had such a weird neck; I’m not sure what I keep doing wrong, neck-wise. And her husband looked a little too girly when I painted him (too much shadowing to give him cheekbones) so I gave him a little moustache, which turned into a little goatee, which turned into a full 5 o’clock shadow. (everyone thinks he looks like Keanu Reeves…) He is still missing a Tshirt, as his button down ended up being too small to… er… button.
At any rate, at the moment, I’m still just building little people. The latest ones are turning out better than the first ones (I am sparing everyone the sight of those little beings with their enormous balloon-like heads). The only problem is that as I make them and give them hair and paint little faces, I get very attached to them. And they get attached to each other. Sigh.
They don’t have names yet: (The big girl is still hairless, hence the hat.) They were made at the same time and have been together ever since..
Much easier to try selling are food and accessories. I’ve decided to make a few cakes, and mini chicken soup and maybe cellphones later today. (If I really try, I could probably even make a flip phone. My sister says that just because other people are as strange as me, does not make me sane.)
I’ve been thinking about setting up a website… my first thought had just been to sell on etsy and ebay, but I’m wondering if in conjuction with those I should set up an actual site. I’m thinking foods and dolls and accessories like clothes, shoes and maybe personal effects (school supplies, toys, cellphones and computers.?). What does everyone think of these food categories? Am I missing stuff?
1) pastries+breads
2) main courses
3) snack food (+ sandwiches)
4) drinks
The problem with drinks are that I will have to buy glasses to put the drinks in, which raise the cost of the final item. Ah well. Maybe I could find them wholesale.
OK, now off I go back to work (ha). Have two emails to write before I take off to the social security office… I’ve lost my card. (Again.)
So, in the office, all we listen to is the classical music station. It provides a good foil for work and phone conversations; no distracting song lyrics, nothing too loud or obnoxious. Also, it’s good because… well, we ARE a company specializing in (classical) music education and experiences for kids.
Despite that I am a classical musician, I am not a huge classical music fan. However, I do listen and appreciate and –apparently- soak in music and knowledge. And every now and then I’m rewarded with something that I either know (and like) or have played (and liked). A little while ago, this song called Capriccio Espagnol (by Rimsky-Korsakov) came on. It’s a lovely flashy piece, full of solos (for every instrument but viola. Grrr.), fun to play and hear.
So, while entering deposit info, I found myself bopping along to the music, dancing Charlie Brown style in my seat, and finally doing a wild, hair-swinging head bang to the fast part at the end… when my hair hit my half open water bottle -filled not only with water, but white grape flavour Crystal light [save your money, it’s not that good] – and the bottle went flying, soaking a wide arc of carpet and part of the wall, which, because of the white grape flavour are now giving out this sickly wine smell.
As the last time I was dancing in my seat, the back broke and I tipped out onto the floor… I’ve got a hunch.
Maybe I should stop trying to be cool.
So now that I’m more relaxed, I’m back to being undecided. I don’t know if I’ll leave the orchestra. There are good reasons to stay, mostly the kids and that I do genuinely like what I do. But there are other reasons not to. If I’m not careful, I could wind up as the girl on the news that everyone said seemed so nice… the one standing on a ledge in a broken top hat and a bloodstained prom dress brandishing a bloody stapler and screaming: “Those idiots! Criticize my artistic abilities, do you? Make me work overtime? You’ll pay!”
Oh man. I can feel the people with the butterfly nets closing on as me as I write this.
I leave for Giselle’s on Friday, and I just hope I’ve got everything. It never fails. Every Passover, I keep thinking of the stuff I want, desperately.. I want Passover cakes, and pasta and breakfast cereal. Despite the fact that I’m pretty unenthused about cake in general these days (plus I don’t eat as much pasta and I don’t drink milk so breakfast cereal is pretty useless) every year I get drawn into wanting everything in the store. I did brave the kosher market (small aisles, definately a bit cramped, but not nearly as bad as I read about) but I might head back for more cake meal and potato starch to make a honey sponge cake. Even though my first foray into Passover baking made something that looked like compressed birdseed, the regular and the chocolate sponge cakes turned out decent. Not brilliant. But not terrible either. They might be ok with some fruit preserves or something.
I’ve finished my pink twinkletoes slippers, but I’ve got to wash and block them. They’re sort of big. Mum asked what exactly I’d expected, and the fact is that I’m not sure what I expected. They’re great, don’t get me wrong. But even though I made them smaller (somewhere between child and adult size) I could probably have made them narrower, and the heel snugger. Maybe they’ll settle when I wash them.
I’m working on my sister’s black Bombshell sweater. She’s been doing my taxes, so I really I owe her (esp. as she is likely going to lend me the money I need so the government won’t put me in jail.), so I’m trying to finish it before leaving for Passover. I did the whole top yesterday (and it fits!), and have the waist ribbing to accomplish today (I’ve already managed 5 rows out of 26…) then I can devote tomorrow to the hip and cast off, and Wednesday I can do the seam sewing and washing.
Mind you, last night I was not feeling so brilliant (that expanse of , but now in the bright light of day, I’m very optimistic.
Wish me luck.
I have spent about 6 hours designing an ugly design for a concert invitation, mostly because I was not told what they wanted, and when I had it finished, they changed the copy.
I have spent this amount of time doing this because they do not want to pay a real designer, but all have issues with my work. Plus, my boss is getting angry that I'm not reading her mind, or something like that, because obviously doing this invitation is a real treat for me.
I believe in their mission, in the good things I can do, and in the kids. But as I sit in tears in Kinkos, I'm about 98% sure right now that it is thumbs down to returning next year.
So... I did in fact meet the incomparable Yarn Harlot who let me hold her sock, while she held my slipper, and she signed a book for me, and for Sarah... very very super cool. (I think I babbled. At least I didn't drool.)
I did finish one Twinkletoe slipper. But, remember when I said "it seems a little big?" Well, it is.
I did buy a seder plate (that same one in fact, and I've just realised they charged wa-a-a-y more than they have printed on the website.). I bought Elijah and Miriam cups (actually, I bought two kiddush cups -little silver (silver plated, in my case) cups that you put the wine in when you bless it- but they'll be fine for this year.). I've got to stitch a little matza cover, but it doesn't honestly have to be anything great, and I think we can put the matza on a regular old plate this year (though maybe I'll go look for a little square plate.). I saw the coolest matza plate, made of what was probably clear resin with a sheet of matza inside. OK, I admit. It weirded me out a little bit. But it has stayed in my mind and it is pretty funny. It's just more expensive than I think I can afford this year.
I did buy a mess of dishes and serving stuff and stockpots and a water pitcher for handwashing. So at least we will have things to eat off of, something to cook in, and clean hands.
I did try making a passover honey cake to test out the recipe. (It tastes fine, although I admit I'm not generally much of a honey cake fan.) But because I used regular matza meal (which are a lot like breadcrumbs) instead of cake meal (which is like flour), it looks like birdseed. Since Giselle has asked for honey cake mix (blech) I will brave Supersol, the kosher market that apparently has just EVERYTHING, but I've heard it's very cramped and I might not fit in the aisles...
I did make all the arrangements -cancelling student's lessons, ordering the worlds more expensive taxi- to do the harp evaluations this morning, but I am freaking out because I haven't had a lesson in 5 weeks, and I don't feel ready, and I might be the oldest and least advanced person there (not too big a deal, honestly, but my musician-sense of preservation finds that sad). And since I will play for my music school's performance fundraiser next week, I will still have the experience of playing in front of people. But my teacher had wanted me to play for this, but...
I did decide I was going to stop trying to drive myself insane and creating stress in my life, but we see how well that's worked so far... (I might be off to vomit now.)
There are times that I am incredibly unfocused, and the last few days have been a great example of those. Sometimes I can not sit still (I'm a twitching, toe-tapping mess), and idea for stories keep running through my head but they have no focal point, and I have stopped knitting my sister's sweater because I feel like if I have to knit just one more round before reaching the armholes I might combust. (unfortunately, there are another 4 until I can finally set stitches aside for the arms. So I've just stopped it, even though Silk Dream yarn really is yummy feeling, and the black is just so smooth and silky and divine. (It has the same effect as chocolate on most people who stop to look at it. And then rub their cheek into it saying: "oh, it's soooo soft." On a side note, why does everyone I know do that to my knitting? Is it a testimony to the fact I choose nice fiber content yarns? Or is it some other more odd thing? Huh.)
I've also just realised that the Yarn Harlot is going to be in NYC on the 2nd. This is the first time in 2 years she has been in NY where I could be there. (I was so happy I almost swooned.) Then I started thinking of what I could knit to bring along with me, esp as I've grown so tired of that sweater. (Yes. Instead of finishing one of those multiple UFOs (unfinished objects) I start something else.) So I started knitty's Twinkletoe slippers (I debated about pink, but ended with aqua. I'm still not sure if I'm thrilled with the colour), which look mighty big right now... Plus, my toes are not square, so the top looks a bit funny.
Giselle and I are planning passover. For the first time, instead of being out at her parents, I will go down to her place in Virginia where my DM may even join me a day or so later. (I hope. He needs a vacation.) However with passover plans comes reality: There are too many people invited, there is no place to put them, and we have no passover accoutrements (matza plate, seder plate, elijah cup, miriam cup, actual dinnerwear, serving platters etc.). So, I've been online in my dizzy way researching plates and serving stuff.
I’m not sure what the weather is, but it is gorgeous and warm and (was) sunny -little cloudy now- and feels entirely odd... it IS springtime, certainly. But it has such a totally unnatural ambience.
I’ve been out of touch for awhile. It’s not that nothing is going on; it’s just that nothing interesting is going on. I’m still not certain about leaving the orchestra. Angus said lately that he suspects that without Lucien and Zach that I wouldn’t last there, and Lucien already has his resignation letter written. (He’s still not sure if he’ll use it either.) Sometimes I think that the kids make things really worth it. Other times (such as our current debacle about who will perform in the year end concert on May 29th) I want to scream.
Oh, and I think Finn’s quasi-racist comments are his brand of humour. That doesn’t make it right, but I suspect that he didn’t mean it badly. (I think, anyway.) There are moments when my boss is out of the office when the three of us left get along and seem to connect. That feeling usually falls away during a staff meeting. Blech.
I’ve been away from the kids in Brooklyn for a week, and it didn’t honestly seem like enough. I still feel like I need a much, much longer break. I’m not reluctant to start back this week, I’m just awfully tired and need to get my energy revved for classes. And set up homework for the next month. Blech x 10.
I’ve been working on writing, but it feels like with assuming adulthood (such as it is), it came with a decrease in crazy depression, but an increase in shortened thinking. I’m not sure that makes sense. It’s like I have trouble writing an entire scene or thinking anything through too fully. But I’m not crying and feeling hopeless all the time. As I survey the litter of paper scraps, bits of written on napkins, etc. that Antonia’s story is grudgingly unfolding on I’m not sure it was such a worthwhile trade.
I’ve knit my version of the Mosey legwarmers, or rather legwarmer (singular). It’s in an obnoxiously bright purple and I decided I’m not as wild about it as I thought I would have been. (I knit it with a bigger needle (a 10, instead of a 7), replacing the all-over cables (which in some of the pictures make them look too baggy) with a 3x1 rib.) Also, despite adding some more onto the end, it feels too short. It’s not bad, exactly… but I think that as I ordered more purple, I might redo them altogether to make them more pleasing to my taste. (I tried it on and asked my DM if he thought it looked weird… and he just stared, brows furrowed and said: “I love you.” Right.)
